I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
