I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
