the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
