She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
