just tell him i said nine months
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
