My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
