I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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