a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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