just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
