There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
