theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
