Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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