I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
