you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
