New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
