Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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