Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
