my phone needs a breathalizer
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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