How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
