I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
