just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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