Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
