The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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