I am spending my child support on dildos
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
