she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
