At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
