I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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