You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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