Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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