I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize