highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
