Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
