Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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