I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
