I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
