He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
