God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize