mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
