when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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