I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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