Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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