Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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