Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize