Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
