i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
