Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
