i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize