a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
