I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
