You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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