So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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