He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
